As with my first single, "Horizon," I am asking for about 15 minutes of your time (maybe less, maybe more...but it's absolutely flexible!). I'd love to invite you on a little quest with me. With each song of this 5-song EP album, I will toss out some background to each song + some inquiries for you to ponder. I will give you a little sneak peek into the song's origin. And then I will ask some questions of you before you click "play" and take a listen to the song for yourself. If you have no interest in going a little deeper with each song by hearing the story and/or chewing on the questions, that is just fine! You are welcome to skip this part and click here to go ahead and listen to "Dragon's Tail" on your streaming platform of choice. I'd love to hear what you think of the song once you listen! 

And if you're like me and you love to hear a bit of backstory to a song or a piece of art and want to expand on your listening experience, read on!

A little background to the song: 
In a nutshell, "Dragon's Tail" is my boundaries song. I'll be honest that I feel incredibly close to this song--right here and now. And that makes it a bit more challenging to articulate in some ways because I'm literally swimming in this tune's themes as we speak. But it also brings even more potency and conviction to it, as well. There have been some incredibly hard conversations that have happened just in the past few days (one conversation in particular with a significant person connected to my childhood trauma that I would say was perhaps one of the most terrifying, brave, and challenging of my life). But it's not time to talk about it....yet. It's too fresh and raw. But it's relevant and important to name because it's a huge part of stepping into my power, owning my voice, and taking up space. 

"Dragon's Tail" is a song about trying to love people who can sometimes be hard to love (but you just keep trying and trying and trying, beating your head against the proverbial wall because you see their pain, you know the hurt beneath their destructive behavior). But the problem with empathizing more deeply with others than with yourself is that you can wind up abandoning yourself in the process. These aren't new revelations for me as someone who grew up as a deeply-sensitive, intuitive, empathic, people-pleasing helper within an often-chaotic home environment (it was a survival strategy that got me through my childhood). But it's something that has really hit home again in a much deeper and more profound way than it ever has.

This song is deeply connected to my family of origin. This song helped me process the release of some seriously unhealthy and codependent relationship dynamics over the past few years. This song has helped me to finally more fully embrace my creativity and follow my artistic dreams, which included releasing some old self-sabotaging patterns around not prioritizing my creative time. (So much of my cultural and religious conditioning taught me that the most noble roles I could ever have were revolved around service--which in some twisted way meant being a psychotherapist and a mother was less selfish than me letting my inner musician take front and center. Ironically, I now believe that often when we show up for ourselves and follow our own heart unabashedly, we wind up deeply inspiring and helping to liberate others on their own healing journeys. Following your creative passion and being a helper don't have to be mutually exclusive. But that's another story for another time.)

At the end of the day, this song is really a special dedication to my scrappy little Enneagram 2* (helper) part who kept prioritizing (over and over again) the needs of others at the expense of her own. Don't get me wrong. Being loyal to others is good (helper types usually have no issue with this), but loyalty to self is also a quality that many of us aren't taught nearly enough, especially as women and/or helpers. Speaking of Enneagram 2's, it feels important to share that pursuing my artistic dreams as an Enneagram 2 and as a woman who grew up in the church has been a special kind of uphill battle. For all sorts of internalized gender-related, cultural, familial, religious reasons, the idea of following my artist heart has felt so incredibly selfish to me for so long, especially after becoming a mother. I have definitely been my own worst enemy in this decades-long journey to finally get back on stage and behind the mic. This song represents my Enneagram 2-to-4 evolution (Enneagram 2's go to Enneagram 4's--the artist!--in growth and health). But again, you don't have to be an Enneagram 2 to resonate with this. I think it just adds an extra layer to the already thick internalized patriarchy stuff that so many of us (regardless of gender) deal with in our culture. To all the other helpers / peacemakers / deep-feeling people lovers / Enneagram 2's out there trying to follow your creative hearts or speak up, I see you! I know how hard it can be to take up space.

Whew. I'm getting fired up! It's probably not hard to tell that I'm super passionate about boundaries and using our voices (especially when that has not been the norm for us or has been discouraged--either overtly or covertly). I could talk for pages and pages, hours and hours on this. There will absolutely be much more on this topic to come for Ivy Eld in 2023. 

Throughout the next few weeks, I'll be sharing more on social media about some random fun facts connected to "Dragon's Tail." As you can see, there's a very '90s vibe in the clothes I'm wearing in the promo photos (including my late brother's XL Nirvana t-shirt). There's also a serious '90s-inspired female-fronted pop rock feel to the song, as well. In coming Instagram / Facebook posts, I'll share more about the connection of this song to Alanis Morissette, how I wrote it on my good friend's '90s Gibson Les Paul electric guitar, a little about the dragon imagery, the studio recording experience, and more! If you don't already follow me on social media, you can find me here at Instagram (where I post more frequently) or find me here at Facebook. 

A few questions to ponder before/during your listen: 
--How do you feel as you listen to this song? What emotions does it evoke, if any? For instance, if the song brings up grief, stay curious with that. If it brings up a feeling of being seen, stay curious with that. Just notice and stay curious with whatever emotions rise up as you listen. 
--Do you connect with the sentiments in this song around sometimes over-empathizing with others to the point that you may abandon yourself and your own needs? If so, how does that show up for you?
--Are there any relationships you're currently in where you don't feel the freedom to be fully yourself? Perhaps you find yourself tiptoeing around to not set off a dramatic or ragey response in the other person? What does it feel like to be in those dynamics? And what makes you stay? 
--If you resonate with "burning up in the flames" of another person's toxic behavior, what would it look like for you to choose to step out of that cycle and choose to rescue yourself? What kinds of feelings, thoughts, or sensations come up as you think about standing up for yourself in this way?
--If you have stepped out of these unhealthy cycles, what did that look like? Sometimes we need to step away from a relationship altogether (specifically if there's active abuse).** Sometimes it's less clear and more nuanced, like setting more boundaries with this person or stating and honoring your own needs more in the relationship. 
--Any other reflections during or after listening to the song? Feel free to jot them down if you'd like. And if you feel inspired to share any thoughts publicly or just with me, I would be honored to hear them! 

And remember, those are all just suggestions and ideas. You are welcome to embrace or ponder any of these inquiries or just skip them altogether. Either way, thank you for reading to this point. And now it's time for the song! 

Listen to "Dragon's Tail" on Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon, YouTube, etc. Click here to find it on your platform of choice. I would be delighted to hear your thoughts about the song after you listen. Feel free to email me (ivyeldmusic@gmail.com), DM me, write in the comments below, comment on a social media post, whatever is easiest! I'd love to hear from you.  

Thank you so much for listening!!! And if you enjoy "Dragon's Tail," please please share it! 

NOTES:
*If you aren't familiar with the Enneagram, check out the Enneagram Institute's descriptions of the 9 types as a place to start. As a psychotherapist (and a person who is absolutely fascinated with traversing our inner worlds), it's my favorite personality test. And to be clear, this isn't about putting people in boxes. It is about finding out more about what motivates us, what makes us tick, and what may be both different and/or similar to others within our orbit. Knowing ourselves is important in and of itself, and it also helps us in our relationships with our partners, our children, our parents, our colleagues, etc. (As an aside: I find the Enneagram to be a more helpful, intuitive, and nuanced tool than the MBTI, but that's just one therapist's opinion.)

**Although I'm a licensed psychotherapist, I am not in that role as Ivy Eld. The thoughts and reflections given in these posts are not psychological/medical advice and should not take the place of seeking services from a licensed mental health professional. Therapy is awesome. I am a therapist, and I have my own therapist. I highly recommend finding a good one, as I think we all can benefit from the support at different seasons of our lives! Also, if you are concerned that (or wondering if) you are in an abusive relationship, please please talk with a licensed psychotherapist or start by reaching out to get help. 

Lyrics for "Dragon's Tail" by Ivy Eld 

You chase me down with words like knives 
You call me fake, you mock my life 
Your spite oozes from your pores 
But I just try to love you more 

I don’t know what to do 
I know there’s hurt beneath your rage 
But I cannot rescue you 
It’s time to turn the page 

But I keep chasing the dragon’s tail 
Hurts like hell but I’m used to the pain 
I'm chasing the dragon’s tail 
I’m getting tired of burning up in your flames 

I caught a glimpse of liberation 
I’ve been so used to toxic ties 
For once I’m starting to exhale 
And now it’s time to say goodbye 

I don’t know what to do 
My heart aches that you’re not free 
But I cannot rescue you 
It’s time for me to rescue me 

I’m done chasing the dragon’s tail 
I’m through covering and numbing the pain 
I’m done chasing the dragon’s tail 
No more throwing myself in your flames 
No more throwing myself in your flames

Here we are. At the beginning. My first single release EVER. I'm thrilled that you are here, choosing to join me on this Ivy Eld journey. What an initiation it has already been. And I truly believe that this is just the start. I am asking for about 15 minutes of your time (maybe less, maybe more...but it's absolutely flexible!). I'd love to invite you on a little quest with me. With each song of this 5-song EP album, I will toss out some background to each song + some inquiries for you. I will give you a little sneak peek into the song's origin. And then I will ask some questions of you before you click "play" and take a listen to the song for yourself. If you have no interest in going a little deeper with each song by hearing the story and/or pondering the questions, that is just fine! You are welcome to skip this part and click here to go ahead and listen to "Horizon" on Spotify (or scroll to the bottom of this blog for other streaming platform links). I'd love to hear what you think of the song once you listen!

But if you are curious to hear a little more dirt on each song + want to expand a bit more into the listening experience, read on! 

A little background to the song:
I wrote "Horizon" to celebrate the 20-year anniversary of meeting my husband, Rick. We met (after I graduated from college) in December 1999 in San Jose, CA, while we were both working for a drug and alcohol treatment center for adolescents. I was determined to stay focused on the "mission" of being there for these hurting teenage girls who were all court-ordered to be in residential treatment--many of whom came from broken homes, experienced severe trauma, and just had hard lives in general. So I stubbornly (and quite honestly, a little piously) pushed him away for awhile before I realized how smitten I had become for this gentle, strong, handsome 27-year-old from San Diego. I had organized a ski trip to Lake Tahoe during my off time, and that's where the sparks officially started to fly between us. Many rollerblade excursions by the ocean, lots of late-night snuggles and DTRs in his little gray Toyota truck, and countless plates of Pad See Ew, sticky rice, and peanut sauce later, we got engaged.

One mild, relaxed Northern California January evening, he popped the question while we were taking in a breathtaking ocean sunset with a stunning view of McWay Falls in Big Sur. And later that year (2001), we tied the knot on a perfect October day in Pacific Grove, CA, right off the famous (and oh-so-lovely) 17-mile-drive along the Northern California Coast. Falling in love in California and dating in all of these ridiculously gorgeous and cool places--Yosemite, Lake Tahoe, Big Sur, San Francisco, Napa, Sonoma, Carmel, Monterey, Santa Cruz, etc.--was quite a dream in so many ways. It was a sweet foundation for all the ups and downs to come.

Since those idyllic first oceanside days in California, we have moved to the Midwest (first to Michigan and then to my home state of Minnesota), and then we finally moved to the mountains of Western North Carolina where we've been the past 16 years. During these 20+ years, we've experienced two amazing, spirited children joining us in this world, jobs started and ended, careers changed, multiple new businesses launched, friends gained, friends lost, dreams followed, dreams shattered, hard and scary diagnoses of loved ones, many traumatic situations to navigate with my family of origin, the death of Rick's dad and my brother, grandparents and other significant deaths, family traditions honored, toxic generational cycles broken, creative passions reclaimed. And that's just a glimpse. It has been a lot. A lot of good. A lot of hard. A lot of joy. A lot of grief. A lot. We are strikingly different people than when we first met and got married.  And miraculously, we still adore each other and would choose each other all over again. Even with all the intense challenges (that sometimes stretched us in ways we didn't know were possible), I can't imagine my life without Rick. He's my best friend, my soulmate, my partner. 

My dear Rick and I are as different as night and day. I'm predominantly extroverted. He's predominantly introverted. I'm naturally drawn to fire and movement. He's drawn to water and stillness. I hate bookkeeping and spreadsheets. He's a wiz with numbers and all things financial. I love the stage. He hates being the center of attention. I walk through the world with songs (mine and others) constantly dancing around inside my head and off my tongue. He walks through the world tuned into patterns and details in nature, deeply observing through what he sees and feels and hears around him. My head is in the clouds, constantly exploring and pondering abstract concepts and ideas and hopeful visions for the future. His head is turned toward the earth, meticulously scanning for stones and salamanders, staying firmly rooted in the present. I help him dream. He keeps me grounded. I made a profession out of my love of delving deeply into the inner world and helping others to heal their wounded places. He made a profession out of his love of delving deeply into numbers and finances and helping others build a healthy, accountable relationship with money, planning, and investing. I love psychology. He loves geology. I love music. He loves math.

Even though we are wildly different in so many ways, we have so much in common as far as being adventurers, nature and animal lovers, rec buddies (tennis, softball, hiking, to name a few), and spiritual, intuitive, deep-feeling people-lovers. We are both passionate about our kids, justice, play, and helping others. We both have church wounds we've been healing from and sorting through, deconstructing toxic theology and it's impact. We both fiercely value community and authentic connection and are thankful to have people in our lives that truly see us and cherish us for who we are. We both relish beauty in all the ways it shows up in our lives. 

It's impossible to thoroughly cover 20+ years of partnership in a 5-minute song. So this was my humble attempt to capture one aspect of the beautiful, multi-faceted enigma that is us. In the process of writing this song, I kept thinking of elements--fire, water, earth, sky--and played with these. I leaned into paradoxical language around the nature of these elements and the nature of our relationship. I remember plunking around on the piano with these abstract elemental concepts and then BOOM, a lightning bolt struck and I realized I was writing about where all these seemingly disparate parts meet. I was writing about the horizon--where sky meets earth (or water), where my energy dances with his. While I was writing, I think I may have even glanced at an ocean sunset picture from Hilton Head, SC, that was tucked in my piano bench at the time. While watching A Star Is Born on the big screen with two dear friends, I was deeply inspired by Lady Gaga passionately belting out "Always Remember Us This Way." I remember thinking (and feeling) so clearly, "I want to write a love song someday that evokes that much imagery and emotion." "Horizon" was my attempt. 

A few questions to ponder before/during your listen:
--Can you think of any relationship(s) in your life (romantic, platonic, familial, etc.) where you feel the other person is dramatically different from you? What relationship(s)?
--What do you celebrate and appreciate about in regards to the differences within the other person? What do you sometimes struggle with or maybe even resent at times? 
--Are you able to feel into the "third party" created in your relationship where you and this partner, friend, etc. come together--the "horizon" as it were? Perhaps you could think of it as not fully you, not fully the other person, but the energy or the entity that is created as a result of your unique relationship with each other? What type of chemistry, connection, dynamic--for better or for worse--happens where you and this person are together in relationship?
--Any other reflections during or after listening to the song? Feel free to jot them down if you'd like. 

Whew! OK. Those are all just suggestions and ideas. You are welcome to embrace or ponder any of these inquiries or just chuck them all. Either way, thank you for reading to this point. And now it's time!

Listen to "Horizon" on Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon, YouTube Music. I would be delighted to hear your thoughts about the song after you listen. Feel free to email me (ivyeldmusic@gmail.com), DM me, write in the comments below, comment on a social media post, whatever is easiest! I'd love to hear from you. 

Thank you so much for listening!!! And if you enjoy "Horizon," please please share it!

Lyrics for "Horizon" by Ivy Eld
We met years ago under California clouds 
Your warm smile lit up the cold gray office walls 
I didn’t know it was you that my heart had been aching for 
I pushed you away for so long 'til I saw 
That you are home to me 
I bring the wildfire and you bring the steady sea 

You are my sapphire ocean, I am your scarlet sunset sky 
I dive in your cool waters when the flames burn too high 
The horizon is where we meet you and I 

There’s a curve on your shoulder made just for me 
My chin nestles in so perfectly 
I am your sunfire queen, you’re my forest river king 
I help you to fly, you’re the earth beneath me 
Oh and you are home to me 
I bring the wildfire and you bring the steady sea 

You are my sapphire ocean, I am your scarlet sunset sky 
I dive in your cool waters when the flames burn too high 
The horizon is where we meet you and I 

Sometimes where we meet is harsh and stormy 
Sometimes where we meet is soft and sweet 
But the sun will always rise and always fall 
Just like you and I will always be…..the horizon 

You are my sapphire ocean, I am your scarlet sunset sky 
I dive in your cool waters when the flames burn too high 
The horizon is where we meet you and I